


Going Home (Without Knowing Where Home Even Is)

by KC_R



Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: But its okay cause they're dead now, Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mental Health Issues, Misoginistic Fools, Post-Dream No More Ending (Hollow Knight), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, lmao tiso dead, no beta we die like Tiso
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28776558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KC_R/pseuds/KC_R
Summary: After having her prized possession stolen, the ex-champion decides that she must return to the Coliseum of Fools to retrieve it.
Relationships: God Tamer & Pale Lurker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	1. Entry

**Author's Note:**

> I did my best to write a character with extreme unchecked mental illness. If you have a problem with how I wrote her, please tell me and I will fix it or delete the fic. I would also like to add that this is not how people with mental illnesses act, and is only how I think someone who is not mentally okay and whose violent acts are encouraged and rewarded would behave.

She was screaming, she realized. Her voice was hoarse and her throat raw from crying and screaming. It was gone! She had it just a second ago, tied around her neck. Did she drop it when she feigned death? She scrambled around her makeshift home, tearing up floorboards and decorations that she had carefully made (and stolen). It was gone! Nowhere to be seen! She collapsed onto the ground, hemolymph staining her torn tunic, and a dent in her carefully crafted helmet. 

She clawed at her chest where it once hung. Had she forgotten what they had told her? “It is yours to keep, but you must keep it well. One day, when you are bested, you must pass it on to the next champion.” That, that thing! That had stolen it! It was not the next champion! It was a thief! And now she had failed her King, her Lord, her God! 

She stopped squirming for a moment, thinking deeply, chewing on her ring finger to help her think better. It had long since been reduced to little more than a stub, but it served its purpose. 

Perhaps she could fix this. She scratched the side of her head through a crack in her helmet, her sharp claws digging into her hardened carapace. Perhaps… maybe… yes! She would sneak in, steal the key from the Fool that had taken it, and then she would apologize to the Lord Fool, and then, before they saw her, and before Tamer saw her, she would retreat back. 

She rubbed her wrists, thinking about what had happened only a few moons ago— and then she stopped thinking again. Her chest still stung from the scars they’d given her. She’d go get the key back, and then she’d come back here. 

Careful claws hugged the metal beam that connected her home to the secret back entrance to the Coliseum. To her dismay, it was broken open. She froze for a minute, getting down on all fours and preparing to be assaulted again. They must have learned that she never left, surely they were waiting for her to step inside so they could— so they could hurt her again. She shook in fear, slowly inching back away from the hole in the wall. A voice echoed from somewhere behind her and her head shot up. No one was there. No one came out of the hole. She was safe, for now. 

Carefully, quietly, silently, she crawled into the hole in the wall. The stables were just as full as they always were. Caged creatures and bugs sat, trained to wait until they were released into the arena to die. A lot of the cages were filled with dead bugs. It hadn’t been that long since she left, they must’ve not fed them since. She searched the room for the beast she knew. He was gone. Perhaps Tamer had left and taken him with her. Perhaps they were both dead already. It did not matter. 

She crept to the gate that kept her from her arena, her home. There was a Mawlek, one of the great beasts that she had once fought with ease. A bug in a blue hood was fighting against it, slashing at it with the blades on his shield. Did she know this bug? They looked familiar. She clicked her tongue and chewed her finger as she thought about it. 

The Mawlek jumped and he froze, and a moment later it landed on him. The crunching of chitin, the shattering of his shield. It was delicious, what she had been starved of while cut off from the rest of her world. Disappointed boos echoed through the arena as a Menderbug flew out to collect the corpse of the bug in blue. 

That wasn’t good, boos weren’t good. That meant the crowd wasn’t happy. Lord Fool said that the crowd always needed to be happy. She would have to fix that later. She continued her mission, crawling deeper into the Coliseum, moving through the secret tunnels she had carved long ago. She peeked through a crack into the Coliseum hot spring. It was empty, to her surprise. Most of the time, there was at least one lazy bug in there. Perhaps the Fools were going back into the City of Tears? To the Pleasure House? She thought for a moment, thinking of that beautiful playbug she had met there. She had promised to meet up with her and go to the diner just below the Pleasure House. Oh, how disappointed the playbug must have been when she didn’t show up. That poor, poor, beautiful bug with her beautiful voice. 

She dropped out of the tunnel and into a hallway, only to realize someone was coming. Getting on all fours, she quickly squeezed herself under a bench. The four Fools walked past. She felt scared, terrified. They’d see her and then they’d hurt her again. Her chest hurt with the memory of the damage they’d done to her. She leaped out at them, crashing into the wall past them. They were gone, the hallway was empty. She growled at the nothingness, rubbing her wrists again before slinking back into the tunnel.

She continued her crawling quest, finally arriving at the Champions room. Surely, surely, surely the little thief had entered her long-sealed room. When she dropped in, she froze. No dust flew up from where she landed. She ran her finger along the stone floor and then licked it. She grimaced, it tasted disgusting. The masks of beasts lined the walls, and a large saber was mounted, along with a club, a whip, and finally, one of her precious retractable blades. All of this was new, how long had they been living here? 

She climbed up the wall and retrieved what was hers, accidentally knocking one of the other weapons off of the wall in the process. Someone had broken in and made her room their home. A bed of moss sat on the far side of the room, and the door to the private hot spring was to her left. At the front of the room was a window covered in a metal mesh. She approached it, sticking her fingers through it and gripping it tightly. Through this, she could see the cleanup in the arena, as well as the crowd. It was nearly empty, besides the four Fools who had… and the Lord Fool was slumped in their throne. 

Next to the moss bed was a stuffed tiktik, and next to that was a bowl of water. She dipped a finger into it. It was cold, fresh. Much colder and fresher than the water she’d been drinking and bathing in. She took a quick sip before moving on to the much more interesting object. She carefully lifted the tiktik, it’s button eyes staring at her lovingly, reminding her of the stuffed gruz she had owned as a child. This was good. This was hers now. 

She stuffed it under her arm and continued her search. Leaning against the corner of the room was the broken mask of a beast. She knew this beast. It was Tamer’s mount. Tamer would have never parted with her beast. She pressed her calloused fingers against the cold mask and let out a wail of despair at the realization that Tamer was dead, killed in the arena. She must be. 

She lifted silk pillows, fur blankets, searched inside of cabinets made of chitin and smooth stone. It wasn’t in here. They must have claimed her room and then returned to the arena. She saw something shining in the corner of her eyes, but when she turned to focus on it, it was gone. She frowned, rubbing her wrists again. 

One of her bent antennas twitched, picking up on a sound and a smell. Someone was coming, speaking, talking to someone else. They smelled of hemolymph and sweat. She went into a defensive position on all fours, preparing to use her thin, boney arms to defend herself. A soft laugh, not one that could have come from one of the brutes, the brutes who grabbed her, and… she rubbed her wrists again, chitin still uncomfortably tight. There was a click at the door, surely it was the thief. Another click, and a twist of the doorknob. The door slid open, and Tamer stepped inside the room, her visor up and her face a cherry red, sweet laughter still coming from her mouth. 

She froze, and when Tamer’s eyes landed on her, Tamer froze. It was awkward, uncomfortable, terrifying. She was prepared to run back to her tunnel, prepared to defend herself when Tamer struck her. Tamer did not strike her, she just stood, staring at her. “You’re back.” She said, like it was the most unbelievable thing she had ever seen. “Where have you been?”


	2. Home at Last

The tension in the room is thick to the point she can taste it. They had fought, what, a few nights ago? Tamer has said she never wanted to see her again. Surely she would be mad, surely she would be disgusted if she knew what they had done, surely she would be disappointed to see how unkempt she was. She rubs her wrists expectantly, but nothing happens, they just stood and stared at each other. Tamer takes a step towards her and she panics. She throws the retractable blade at Tamer and makes a run towards the hole. Tamer yells something, probably a swear, and the next thing she knows someone’s pinning her to the ground, wrists being held in place, and someone on top of her. She’s screaming again, saying the same thing she said then. She thrashes until they pin down her arms, and when she tries to kick they hold down her legs. One of them laughs and she can feel the tears swelling in her eyes. A piece of cloth is shoved in her mouth and held there. It tastes bitter, soaked in sweat and blood, likely used to clean their armor. One of them grabs her antenna and then pain shoots through her body. She lets out a muffled scream of pain. They have their hands on her neck and they’re squeezing. She can’t breathe! She feels something jab into her side and she nearly vomits from the feeling of it digging around in her flesh.

She snaps back to reality when someone calls her name. Several people are around her, at least four. Tamer’s pinning her to the ground, nothing is in her mouth, no one is laughing. She can feel the warmth of the tears on her face. The coliseum’s menderbug is to her left. To her right is… something. It looks similar to the thief but different. Asymmetrical horns and a frown on their face. Maybe it was the thief? She couldn’t remember, everything was fuzzy and uncomfortable. Her helmet was missing and she was vulnerable. One of them could pull her antenna or ball it up in their fist. “Back up, give her some space.” Tamer orders and everyone acquiesces. “Get to fixing that hole in the wall, I don’t want anyone breaking into my room.” She adds, the menderbug giving her a nod before rushing off to work. Her room? It was Tamer’s room now? “Who does she think she is?” Someone yells, but there’s no one else in the room. She felt the bile in her throat he replaced with anger. They didn’t allow female champions, that's what they had told her! That’s why they ran her off! That’s why they—! She rammed herself against Tamer, knocking her over. In an instant she was at her throat, squeezing to kill. It wasn’t fair! They took everything from her because of this! She felt something hard crash into the back of her head, and she blacked out.

————————————————————————

When she came to, she was alone in her room. Tamer’s room, not hers anymore. The hole had been filled in and the stuffed tiktik was wedged between her arm and her chest. Her head throbbed painfully. The menderbug must’ve hit her over the head with their hammer, or maybe the other Fool hit her with their nail. The moss was comfortable. It was new, too. The room wasn’t furnished yet when she received the key to it, it was newly carved and she was to decide what she wanted in it. She remembered how proud she was, how proud Tamer was, how proud the Lord Fool was. Then she remembered how everyone else looked at her. Anger, disdain, disgust. All at her, all because she was better than them. She sat in silence for a long time. 

There was another set of clicks at the door, and Tamer entered the room. “You’re awake.” She stated, closing the door and locking it. This was it, Tamer, her childhood best friend, was going to kill her. Her blades had been confiscated, but she could use her claws. She took a defensive stance, prepared for the inevitable violence. “Where’ve you been?” She asked, taking a step forward.

“I’ve been here, very close.” She answers, dropping the tiktik and rubbing her wrists. Tamer lets out a tired sigh. 

“I looked everywhere for you, I know you weren’t here. Where were you?” Tamer asks again. She rubs her wrists again, grooves ingrained into her chitin. 

“I already said! I was here! I was here, I promise!” She cried, crawling backward on the bed. 

“Stop. Stop screeching, you’re giving me a headache.” Tamer growls. She shrinks back into the bed of moss, pulling one of the blankets over her head. Tamer lets out a loud sigh before approaching the bed. She tenses, prepared to be hit. Instead, the blanket is slowly pulled off of her head. Tamer is looking at her with a sad glaze over her eyes. She puts her hands on either side of her head and holds it, pushing up on her chin so they’re looking eye to eye. “Please.” She begs in a tone so unlike her. “What happened? Where’d you go? Why’d you leave? Please just tell me.” She begged. Why was she acting like this? She never acted like this, always headstrong and deadly, now begging her for something that didn’t matter? 

“Didn’t want to hurt you anymore.” She answered. Tears started running down her face. “They said they’d hurt you if I came back, and you said you didn’t wanna see me anymore.” She cried, her weak resolve already breaking. Tamer pulled her into a hug, tears soaking into the fabric of her tan tunic. Distantly, she heard them laugh. Her head shot up, forehead slamming into Tamer’s chin. Tamer put her hands on her head again, keeping their eyes focused on each other.

“I didn’t mean what I said, I was angry. I told you you needed help and not… this. The Coliseum wouldn’t do you any good and when you didn’t listen to me I got mad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Tamer explained, fingers gently rubbing circles on her back. “What happened though? Who told you they’d hurt me? You know I can take care of myself, you shouldn’t have worried about me.” She asked, pulling her back to look her in the eyes.

“They cornered me, and they dragged me to the stables, and they— and they told me I couldn’t be champion because I was a girl, and then they— and then they— I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to leave but they said they’d hurt you they said they’d do what they did to me to you! I don’t want that, I didn’t want you to hurt!” She cried. Her words were barely comprehensible, jumbled together, and spoken so quickly. Her face was surely disgusting to look at by this point, covered in snot and tears.

“Oh Lurker,” Tamer sighed. It took her a moment to realize that wasn’t her name. What was her name? What had it been? Had her name always been her Coliseum title? “It’s okay now, they’re dead, everyone’s dead. The only people who’re still alive from back then are me, you, and the Little Fool out front. Whoever hurt you is so long gone, they can’t hurt you ever again.” Tamer explained, wiping the tears off her face with her thumbs. 

“The— the? I thought Lord Fool changed the rules on beast containment?” She asked. Maybe her memory was wrong? Maybe he hadn’t, and the stables were just for feral beasts.

“Yes, he did change the rules on beast containment, but I don’t see what that has to do with—“ Lurker, that was her name, cut her off by grabbing the sides of her face.

“That isn’t a Fool, it’s a Nosk. One of the Lord Fool’s first followers, remember?” She asked. Tamer stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded before scratching her chin.

“I suppose that does explain some things.” She mutters. Lurker lets go of her face, arms falling limp by her side. She lets out a giggle that quickly devolves to laughing that makes her chest hurt. Tamer lets out a snicker as well, and although it sounds fake it makes Lurker feel safe. She’s still tired despite just being unconscious for several hours. She hears a creek and she silences, searching the room again. Still empty.

“How is the Lord Fool? I have been meaning to apologize to them.” Lurker asked, eyes running along the edge of the room before landing on her. Tamer froze for a moment. 

“They’re dead. They’ve been dead for a long time. It was a dual assassination attempt pulled on the King of Hallownest and the Lord Fool. The King of Hallownest lived, the Lord Fool did not. We killed the Fool who did it, but no one’s got the guts to move the Lord Fool’s body. It just seems wrong to take them away.” Tamer explains. Lurker feels like she might throw up again. The Lord Fool was the closest thing she had to a real parent. They gave her a purpose, a title, a name, and now they’re gone. She hugs her legs close to her body and rocks gently, trying to keep herself from crying again. Tamer places a hand on her back, trying her best to comfort her but the contact just makes her feel worse.

“It feels like it’s only been a few moons, but it hasn’t, has it? I’m not remembering correctly, somethings wrong. How long has it been?” Lurker asks.

“It’s been years at least. I don’t know, my memories just as fuzzy as yours.” Taker explains. “I wasn’t conscious for most of it, barely noticed when I woke up and my beast was dead and gone. There was a disease while you were gone, it infected almost everyone, and then it just disappeared.” Silence filled the room at that. Uncomfortably long and suffocating. When she was alone, Lurker would fill the silence with whatever noises she could make, but now making noises didn’t seem like fun.

“The Coliseums over. We aren’t getting any more Fools and barely anyone is showing up. They all died to the end of the infection, so did most of our beasts. A spider in red came by and told us to move upwards to the surface, so the few of us left are heading that way.” Tamer explained, prying one of Lurker’s hands away from her legs and holding it gently. Much gentler than she ever was before. “I gave you a choice before but I’m not giving you one now. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you run off again. I promise I’m not going to let you get hurt. We’re gonna move up to the surface and you’re gonna get help.” Tamer explained, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. “The only question is if you’re coming with me, or if I’m gonna have to knock you out again.” They both laughed at that, through the tears and the pain. Lurker nodded, grabbing Tamer’s hand and squeezing it tighter. Things would be okay, she was safe now.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I am very sorry if I offended anyone or if I wrote the character incorrectly.


End file.
